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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27632264">Our Children</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAEMREN_ch1ld/pseuds/JAEMREN_ch1ld'>JAEMREN_ch1ld</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A/B/O, A/B/O verse, ABO dynamics, Alpha - Freeform, Alpha Jaemin, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Established Relationship, Get some tissues, Heavy Angst, Lots of Angst, M/M, Malnourishment, Marriage, Mentions of Abortion, Mentions of Suicide, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Stillbirth, mentions, omega - Freeform, omega renjun, renmin, talks of abortion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:53:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,737</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27632264</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAEMREN_ch1ld/pseuds/JAEMREN_ch1ld</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaemin and Renjun have been trying for years and slowly, it kills them both.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck|Haechan/ Lee Minhyung/Mark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Heir</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hELLO AGAIN HSJJSNSJAJA</p><p>okay okay i know wow a comeback so soon.</p><p>but uhm this is one of the heavy fics i'm doing rn and it,s chaptered but trust me it'll be like 3 chapters only. </p><p>ABO verse is very hard to do i'm not gonna lie. this has been heavy and very frustrating to write because i sucked at writing lmao i just do this bc i want to share some of my prompts with you guys.</p><p>shout out to my friend angel for always supporting my ideas!!!</p><p>i hope you enjoy this one and this is my first time doing a heavy angst story so bear with me. </p><p>n e ways hope you enjoy reading</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>A jigsaw to him, a wall to him, and a locked door to him. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin wonders in every second he takes as he spare a glance to the high being sitting on the throne, why does he has to look ethereal in a way it could be dangerous? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's not to be shared either, in the golden kingdom of the east, where the sun wakes and shines at the people, the high being creates the flow of the system. Jaemin has been here since two years ago, the kingdom never fades its glow and probably because of the beautiful young prince sitting on his golden throne. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin sees him everyday, wakes up to him everyday but he regards an intangible malfunction of thoughts to the prince. Jaemin has walked the corridors, the gardens, the throne room, and even the desirable dining room but he never finds himself in a clock striking six on twelve with the prince. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin is awestruck just like any other beings on the castle, his blood floods to his face when the prince walks to his throne. His long white cape slides on the floor as he holds his chin up with three of his maids following him behind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the throne is not for him. The throne has never been for the ethereal prince that sits on it everyday. Even with the velvet clothes and fancy accessories, the throne belongs to others. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin desires to be seen, maybe even have a glance but he fails. He fails everyday, to let his whole being be noticed by the wonderful person before him. Jaemin paddles to the family room, or what the former queen has decided to label a room full of pillows and sofas. He finds him there, sitting prettily with a glass of champagne in his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin lets his clothes dance with his walk, a subtle sound of feet stepping on pure marble gathers the attention of the prince. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My king,” The prince greeted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin smiles and the prince returns it though he knows it is fake and a foul act of fake display of affection. Jaemin removes the silver blazers he has on for the whole morning and sits on the sofa a meter away from the prince.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You're not to drink liquor in your state, my prince.” The prince only shushes him with a small scoff. He lands the glass to the table and moves his slender legs towards the direction of where Jaemin is sitting. Jaemin flinches but holds his own game.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Our child won't be bothered by a small sip, Jaemin.” This time he scoffs. He crosses his legs and daintily grabs the glasses himself for him to drink on it. Jaemin sips on the liquor and feels the smooth kick in his throat, the prince is correct, the liquor won't budge their child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince is glowing under the moonlight, as Jaemin puts the glass back to where the prince has put it, the moon shines with the beauty of the prince in front of him. Jaemin has to suppress a smile when the prince has laid his head on the mountain of pillows prepared for him and their unborn child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin is an alpha, born to be one and skilled to be one. On his 19th birthday, the prince has been awarded an omega, a prize he never wants to share. He receives the omega the night before his birthday has approached and fascination was not enough to leave off the growing hunger of the alpha inside him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The omega is now pregnant with his child, a child they expect to be a son. A child Jaemin wishes to be the cause of how the prince will maybe love him back. Jaemin loves children, he loves them so much that he wishes to produce a lot of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin steadily stands and walks to the prince, he kneels down to see the gray eyes of the omega who fulfilled the desires of his wolf inside. Jaemin brushes the black strands of silky hair and kisses the forehead of his omega. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The omega revolts and pushes him. Jaemin is not even surprised, he shakes his head and calmly composes himself. The omega eyes are defensive and even painted with pain and livid. Jaemin breaks from the stares and chuckles. “Are you still going to act like this to your king?” Jaemin has asked this multiple times since the birth of their first dead baby two years ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince winces, submitting without any question. Jaemin loses his wolf when the painful cries of his omega breaks through the walls of the supposed family room. Jaemin lowers himself back again, his calloused palm drives to the three month old bump of his omega. Jaemin soothes him with his scent, mixing with the sour rose scent his omega is emitting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My prince, My omega..” Jaemin whispers, a hollow sob links to his ears and his wolf comes back with a growl. His wolf is disappointed with him, he feels it. The alpha wolf inside him begs him to strangle himself and never come back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please don't hurt me..” His prince whimpers, his biting his lips so hard it draws blood. Jaemin listens to his wolf and immediately pulls his omega to his lap and bites the mark on his neck, scenting him with his possessive scent.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The omega calms down but soon turns lifeless with the trauma. The king gathers him in his arms and walks to their room. He lays him slowly, the omega is shivering and Jaemin has to secure them both, he pulls the thick duvet and succumbs his omega with warmth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Renjun, my omega.” The king turns off the lamp and leaves their room, he feels light and heavy at the same time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the heavy rainfall that came from the north, the kingdom has become the sanctuary of Renjun's faint cries. He pains in the relief of being home to a spacious palace but he's alone. In his mind he's alone, even if the king himself waits for him every night until the sun rises, in his mind he's alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only one who accompanies him is the unborn child inside his stomach, steady heartbeats and the small bump lulls him to sleep each night. But even with the warmth of the fetus inside him, he still wakes up in the middle of dawn, screaming until the whole kingdom knows that he's suffering. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His nightmares is with him, after the death of his first child, his daughter, their daughter. His nightmares visit him every single sleep he takes, winding up his emotions and tearing the remaining sanity he has inside his mind. The prince screeches in agony when the pain inside his chest consumes him, holding on to the king as if his last breath will be taken away as soon as he opens his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The omega prince soothes himself with the pillow the past queen prepared for him. The different sizes of pillows were supposed to be for the dead princess. The queen gifted him dozens of pillows each month to let him build a nest for his daughter but the princess failed to experience anything as she died a minute after she was brought to the world. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince has taken the liberty to blame himself, cautiously begging the moon to let him die if his third child inside his stomach will die too. Renjun experienced the traumatic stress after his daughter died in his arms, her small hands turned blue as soon as she was handed to his chest and arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun cries, and refuses to let go of the dead child. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king has always promised him to always give him a pup, a pup that will make him happy and this is their third try, the first two pregnancies failed. It taunted him, two of his children were supposed to be with them, inside their chamber, but both of them are dead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second pregnancy was last year, when both of them were 20. The king knotted him on the night of their mating anniversary. The prince was happy to announce that there will be another heir to the throne, that a possible contentment will be produced inside the palace. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But after four months of extreme sickness, the child died in his sleep. He woke up with the castle physician by the side of their bed, a cloth in his hand. The physician handed him the cloth and there he saw another result of failed pregnancy. The unborn fetus inside the white cloth, small details of his body already turning blue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun screamed and hugged the fetus to his chest. He wished for the moon to kill him too. His only wish was to have a child for him and the king but the moon goddess had taken two of his children, plainly playing with his emotions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But even so, the king is always with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king has never left his side and the king treasures him. The king loves him and he full acknowledges it but he can't bring himself to love the king back, not when two of their children died because of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun wakes up in the slumber of the king, the king has embraced him all night. The rigid breathing of the king has made him feel worthless. He's obviously the reason why the king has built up bags under his eyes and how fast the king has been breathing. The king is as restless as he is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun seizes the opportunity to prepare early, leaving their chamber in a silent manner. He calls for his maids, asking them to bring his maternity dress. It's still early for the dress to be worn but he misses the feeling of how his daughter hugs his dresses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun smiles at the maids, the silky dress gently rolls down to his legs. The maids guide him to this vanity, wiping his face with a clean cloth and applying a faint color of pink on his cheeks and lips. Renjun usually wears a decoration on his head but he declines it today, saying he wants his hair to hug his nape. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The maids have excused themselves and Renjun is left with his mouth trembling as he stares at himself in the mirror. His gray eyes show nothing but remorse to him, as if it's telling him to just die and let him be content in the heavens with two (turning three)  of his children. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun picks up the brush and gently brushes it to his hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hears small squeaky noises. The king has finally woken up, his robe neatly tied on his waist and his pale complexion meets the glowing red eyes of the omega. The king has smiled at him, he wishes to return it but he can't, not when he thinks of killing himself and letting his mate bear the painful after effects.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun sits there, momentarily pausing his tears to clearly look at his tired mate. The king squats and wipes the unrestrained tear that left his eyes. “It's okay, Renjun. It will be okay.” The king touches the dress and brings it to his lips to kiss it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince has not moved, he lets the king indulge himself with closure to their first child. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We will save our child, we'll make our children proud, my prince.” The king promises, he kisses the omega's bump and hugs him tight. Renjun secures his hands on the arms of his beloved, a nod his head answers the promise of his mate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun trusts him, he trusts him with all his heart. His wolf trusts their alpha but his own wolf doesn't trust him anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The east kingdom has to mourn for the death of the princess. They have too, they can't let the upcoming omega queen to mourn alone. The castle has painted a mural for the dead princess and shows it to the people so they can lit their candles and pray for the safe travel of the princess to the heavens. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king and his mate has to wear white the whole week of mourning, as tradition for them to never taint the death of their own child. The castle has been quiet as they prepare themselves to remember the first and last cry of the dead princess that lasted for only a few seconds. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The castle has also prepared a wake for the princess, all the clothes that were gifted to the dead princess beautifully placed inside her supposed room. The room that has been painted with gold to award the first born but it's unfortunate for her to never even lay inside awake. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The omega prince wears the clothes he wore in her funeral, not minding if the hem of it is turning yellow from bleaching. The prince walks to her room, there's no portrait of her, an accurate one. There's a predictive portrait of her painted by the great artist of their kingdom, the portrait was made for the king and the prince to remember her face. Though it's predictive and inaccurate since it was a portrait made to let them think that the princess lived up to an older age, the prince relies on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He talks to it as if the child can hear him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door of the room opens and he sees the brother of the king. The duke has paid his greetings for the first born. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You miss her,” The duke said. He places the white chrysanthemum on her bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How can I miss my child if I only get to be with her for a minute?” Renjun asks back. His eyes can't find any other direction but towards the portrait of his child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can stop blaming yourself, Renjun. She's traveling to the heavens now, you can finally be at ease.” The duke hugs his sides. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I killed my own daughter, Donghyuck.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The two of you were fatally ill that time, only you can be saved.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The duke smiles at him, “My brother would have been dead if he's to find out that you were the one who succumbs to death.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun caresses his own left arm. “She would have been pretty, Donghyuck. She would have been a child of our love.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you have another child of love. Renjun, the world won't stop. The moon goddess has gifted you another pup.” The duke walks around the room, touching the flowers one by one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This isn't out of love…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To you it isn't but for the king, it is. You have to forgive yourself, Renjun. The death of the princess will be the death of yours and Jaemin.” The duke picks his coat and leaves another sigh inside the room. “I'll see you later, your highness.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cold garden where both of his children reside has been vacant ever since the funeral of the second dead pup. Renjun has avoided the place ever since the spring starts. The first year ever since the death of the first born and as the summer approaches, the second pup will have to be mourned too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king and the prince walk towards the garden. The garden is still beautiful just like how the king promised him to keep after the burial of their two children. The king has greeted the gardeners with his alpha demeanor. The king has held his hand from their room up to the garden, and the omega submits. The king is afraid to let his omega walk alone, fearing that he may hurt himself in the process.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They walk towards the center of the garden where two angels decorate the two tombstones. There are sunflowers too, the king's brother has requested for it so his niece will remember him even to her tombstone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My beautiful children,” The king removes his coat and hands it to his maid. He lets go of his mate so he can kneel to his children. He never once got the chance to hold them, all chances were given to the omega. The king has placed a new set of clean clothes for their children, all given by the former king. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun watches the king, tears forming in his eyes. The king has been nothing but a lovable husband to him, the king loves him day and night but the king suffers with him. In two years of them being together, the prince has never successfully given birth to an heir.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“..the two of you will have another sibling, I hope your sibling has my princess' face. I hope your sibling has princess Narae's pointy nose.” The king talks to the tombstone, his fingers tracing the name of the dead princess Narae. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun puts his hand to his mouth to muffle his cries. As the sun shines with them, the painful possibility of it setting in wrong hours creeps him. The sunflowers smell heavenly, it would probably be the best scent for princess Narae to play on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king stands back. His blue dress shirts adorn some tears on. The king has been crying, the king has been crying with him. Renjun wipes the tears with his sleeves. “You're brave, my king.” Renjun whispers, he cups the cheeks of his mate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun doesn't wait for the king to respond as he moves to the tomb to set the crown of flowers he made for them. The prince didn't say a word, he lets his heart grieve for the death of their children. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince takes the chance of the peaceful night to be alone inside the room of the princess. The prince walks to the bed of chrysanthemums, her violet duvet covered because of the hundreds of flowers placed on top of her bed. Renjun has cried so many times today but tears won't be enough for him to bring back the life of their princess.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was supposed to be the first time that a princess will be born in the east kingdom, the loss of the life of princess Narae has affected the lives of the people of the east and it broke the family too. The death of the princess has taken a toll to the health of the former queen, killing her vegetable body almost instantly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In just a matter of two years, the palace has grieved three deaths. The palace has never been the same after, they had to wear white clothes for a solid three weeks every year now that three of the royal bloods have died. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun doesn't hide the pain he feels, he let the whole palace know how painful it is to lose a gift given by the moon goddess. He lets the palace see how he mourns everyday, he lets them feel the sorrow inside his heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's selfish but he had never been selfish his whole life, he wants to be this time. He wants to be selfish with the death of his children, of his pups. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun looks at the framed clothes of the princess on the wall adjacent to the princess' bed. It's a light pink jumper, the only clothes she ever wore. When she was handed to Renjun, when Renjun heard her cry, and when Renjun cried with her, the urge to give up his life was strong enough for him to consider letting his child be alive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The night felt the same as the night when they had rushed inside the chamber of the royal couple, the omega prince begging to save his daughter's life. He was fatally ill that time and giving birth was not parallel to them. The physician has said that only one can be saved and it's not for Renjun to decide but to his alpha. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The alpha chose him, of course, the king will always choose him and that night he begged for the moon goddess to take him also. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun felt the dip on the bed and he turned to see the king, still in his white clothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should be sleeping.” The king mumbles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince shakes his head and retreats to the portrait of their daughter. “Our princess would have been pretty. She would have turned 1 now.” Renjun says out of the blue. “She deserved to live, Jaemin. I have whispered my thoughts to you each night, telling you that you should save her when it dawns to you choosing between me and our daughter. “</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king can't utter a word. He listens still just like how he always does. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I prayed to the moon goddess to let her be saved, for her to be in your arms right now. You're so selfish, Jaemin.” Renjun hisses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How can I do that? I love you with all my life, Renjun—“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How can you love me when the only thing I want to do is give you an heir and yet I can't even do it? I killed two of our children, Jaemin. Two!” Renjun turns, his eyes back to red and his fist clenched on both sides. “I have never wished to be killed that night more than my whole life. Our princess would have been so happy right now!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's the king's turn to snaps. “You're my mate, my eternal mate, Renjun. Do you expect me to let you die on our bed for a child I haven't even hugged to my chest? I have told you that an heir is not what I need and yet you keep pushing me to a point where you want me to choose even if I don't want to and need to.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince scoffs. “I was a gift to you, Jaemin. You promised to always do what I wished for you to do and the only thing I wished for you to do is to save her. To save Narae!” Renjun cries in his yells. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king has now calmed down. He walks to his mate and holds his hands open. There's a crescent shape built by his nails on his palm and blood adorning it. “You can always blame me, Renjun but please don't hurt yourself.” The king kisses his palms and cries on them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The vulnerability of the king has been established when his husband turned almost blue when the princess was brought to the world. He wasn't allowed to see the process so he waited outside of their chamber, biting his nails while praying to the moon goddess to let his husband be alive and so as his daughter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince just looks at the king, the king who he cherished the most but can't bring himself to fathom the idea of loving him back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We'll save our child this time. I'll pull heaven and earth for you and our child.” The king promises again and Renjun just nods his head again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ghost of his nightmares wakes him up, his body soaked with the blood of his daughter and second child creeping in his feet. Renjun wakes up in a stigma made by his mind to keep him from suppressing the thoughts of killing his third child. He awakes inside the family room with the king lying beside the nest he created. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince still wears the dirty white funeral clothes he had yesterday, a shallow growl comes out of his stomach, his third unborn child probably waiting for him to feed them both. The prince wobbles to stand up but manages to do so, he opens the wide windows and lets the morning shine blinds Jaemin's deep sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king stirs awake and he looks shocked to see his mate standing on his feet and his small right hand on top of his stomach. “You must be hungry,” The king says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We are,” Renjun mutters in a small voice. The king chuckles and hands Renjun his robe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can change in my wardrobe.” The prince rejects.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My scent will help you soothe your hunger somehow.” The king initiates. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The omega prince grabs the blue silk robe and ties it on his body. It indeed soothes their hunger. Renjun walks past Jaemin to reach their own private chamber, preferably changing to another white clothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's the second day of mourning and the in between days of first and last day is particularly normal. The birds still chirp and the hunters still go out to the woods to provide food for the local village. It's the same except for the royal family, they have to mourn until the moon goddess rises by the end of the week.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their mourning consists of them eating breakfast that is served lightly, Renjun is an exception to the light breakfast as he carries the heir to the throne but Renjun still tries to eat less after all it's his daughter's death anniversary. Then, they will pray for the travel of the princess towards the heavens, an amulet had been offered yesterday for the princess to take with her along in her journey. And lastly, the visitation of the wake inside the princess' room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The visitation is for the royal family, the dukes and duchess of the east are to stay inside the palace for a week to pay their respect towards the dead heiress. The tradition not only runs to the princess' death anniversary but it applies to all of the royal family and it needs to last for three years. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The moon goddess has traveled three years before reaching earth, making the count of the journey three years to leave also. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun has worn another white maternity dress, this time, it's a dress sewn by his old friend from the south, a gift to him to celebrate another life of a pup inside his womb. Renjun then wears a silver crown with rubies furnishing it. The prince places it on his head, the heavy crown feels suddenly light when it touches the soft hair of the prince.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun thanks his maids and proceeds to leave their room. He doesn't wait for the king to finish his change of clothes as their child is begging to be fed. He still wears the robe and lets it flow as he walks with ease towards the blue dining room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your Highness has arrived,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun enters the dining room and sees Donghyuck. The duke gives him a slight smile before tending to his own son. The duke is an omega just like him but the difference is that the duke is happily married to a beta lord from the north. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun sits on his own chair, a plate specially requested by the king is prepared for him. The plate is nothing but vegetables and fruits, there is no meat on his plate. Renjun sighs and looks at the butler next to him, “Bring me another plate.” The prince ordered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The butler looks tensed but still complies. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your Majesty has arrived,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin enters the room just in time when his plate has been filled with meat of lamb and deer. Renjun thanks the butler and sets his first plate to Jaemin's table. The prince sits on his chair right beside Renjun and sees an untouched plate of vegetables in his area. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Give me another plate,” The kind hands the untouched food to the butler. “You should have at least touched the food prepared for you.” The king plays with his fork as he looks at the prince who gnaws the meat in front of their family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don't like the smell.” Renjun rolls his eyes and gnaws the meat again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Being pregnant always works in the stage of royal omega inside the palace as they are always treated with care. Omegas are gifts given by the goddess to produce children of the future so thus creating a magnificent idea of pregnant omegas should be treated with care.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king just sighs and focuses on his brother who sits two chairs away from his mate. “How's Minhyuck?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The duke turns and laughs. “Minhyung has been teaching him how to talk, I'll show you how he speaks your name later.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun stops eating and places the meat back to his plate. He wipes his mouth and observes the duke's family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donghyuck was the beauty of the east, he had so many suitors lined up outside his bedroom, waiting for him to open the doors and welcome their gifts. But when Renjun enters the palace, as a son of a lord from the south, he becomes the beauty of the east. A perfect omega for the upcoming king that time and Donghyuck was left behind the shadows of his brother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite being older than Jaemin by two years, the omega has refused to take the throne from Jaemin, saying they need to follow the moon goddess' tradition of an alpha leading the country. Renjun envies Donghyuck's capabilities, successfully giving birth to a possible heir if Renjun fails to give birth again, can overpower an alpha anytime he wants to, and Donghyuck is free.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun envies the way Donghyuck is not tied with his past. The duke has experienced miscarriage too but the duke has let the child go and now he's happily feeding his three year old so, Minhyuck. Renjun envies Donghyuck's whole existence, and somehow wishes it would be his life too maybe in the afterlife.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king has noticed the pause in his husband. He taps the back of the hands of his husband. “My prince?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun flinches and looks at him. “Yes?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you feel unwell?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun shakes his head. “I'm good. I just spaced out from oversleeping.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king seems to not believe what he says but the omega just lets it go and continue eating. The dining room smells like bread and coffee, possibly the light breakfast the kitchen has made for them. The duke has taken the roll to uplift the mood by telling stories of their ventures in the north where his mate used to live. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun feels aloof all of a sudden, the king has started talking to others and tries too but he can't attain a significant topic that can go on until breakfast is over. He stays quiet and stops eating, he calls for a maid to wipe the oil off of his hands. He then wipes his mouth and stands up first, he gathers the attention of the people inside the dining room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun doesn't smile at them just like how he usually does. He marches to leave the dining room with his female attendant holding his right hand. The whole dining room has become eerily quiet, deserted the sound of their laughs and conversations. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince hears someone following his steps.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why do you always act like that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's the king.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's my daughter's death anniversary. It's not a party for people like you to laugh at.” Renjun spats. There's disappointment in his eyes but more than that, Renjun feels a realization of difference between them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They're trying to lift the castle's mood, Renjun. How long are you going to act like that in front of them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Until I join my daughter to the heavens.” Renjun snaps. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There's disgust in Renjun's stare and fire in his mouth that stops Jaemin from speaking another word. The prince has left him alone again, he can't seem to stand six to twelve with him even if he tries to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the week rolled, Renjun is back in his usual state again. Waking up every morning, taking a warm bath, and spending most of his time in the family room, where his nest is located. Renjun has gotten used to the way the palace feels to him, it's only been a year since his husband has become the king and because of that they had to move to the castle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun patronizes the dead queen, he likes the way she tended her gardens and how she raised her two sons successfully. Renjun wanted to be like her, she was strong willed and would often stand beside the king rather than behind him despite being an omega. The queen was the gold of the east kingdom, she was the most important person inside the kingdom, not even the king could deny it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But now that the queen is gone and the king has been ill ever since the death of his loving wife, the palace is trying to pick up the remaining pieces of joyful memories the couple had inside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Renjun and Jaemin moved to the castle, the princess has recently died and that a new pup was inside Renjun's belly. The kingdom has rejoiced for the heir and so as Renjun. He had wished his whole life to be a person who brings life in the world, someone who laughs with the laughs of his children.  The kingdom has vowed with them when they both said to always be there for each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Renjun wished he didn't say that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's sitting in the throne room, a change of view and scenery offered to him by the husband of the duke, Minhyung. Renjun sits in his place, his pale blue dress blending with the silver chair. Renjun watches the match between his husband and their nephew, Minhyuck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin is enjoying it, much for Renjun to see. The king has always wished for a son, a son who can play tag with and a son who can protect his mother. But Renjun gave him a dead daughter and a possible dead son.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king never complained. The king always waited for him. When the moon is too bright and the memories of their children come, Jaemin is always there, whispering their song to his ears. When he throws a fit to the whole palace and forcibly picks on the guards, Jaemin is always there, holding his hand to calm him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun knows he's being selfish. Too much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he can't be happy and selfless when his mind and thoughts are crumpled by the taunting memories of his children and the physician who didn't listen to him that night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He snaps from his thoughts when the king finally drops his wooden sword and hugs his nephew tight in his arms. They will be living tonight and the king won't probably see them again until Christmas, he likes to nurture the remaining time and create it as a huge memory inside his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun smiles when his sweaty nephew comes running to him in a big smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Najun!” The baby yells.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Najun has been given to him by Donghyuck, shortening his now name, Na Renjun.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get home safe, okay?” Renjun says as he wipes the sweat of his cheerful nephew with the sleeves of his dress. Renjun looks up and sees Jaemin looking at them both with a satisfied grin in his mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun tries to smile back but he can't, Jaemin looked at him as if Jaemin was wishing for them to be like this when it clearly won't happen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Minhyuck detaches himself and runs to his father. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun glues his eyes back to nothing and tries to relieve the stares from Jaemin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's a question both of them has failed to ask frequently, it seems absurd and genuinely mocking because they both know they are not okay. The relationship has been shaky after their announcement of another heir. It's a sensitive topic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun heaves a breath and closes his eyes. “What do you think?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Renjun,” Jaemin breathes. “I just want you to welcome me back to your arms.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun scoffs. “I will die soon, Jaemin. Once our child is born, you'll need to let me go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin feels ridiculed. “You will not die. I will save you both even if it means we'll need a hundred physician in our chamber. Don't decide on your own, you're betrothed to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How can you be so sure that I won't die on our bed?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin combs his sweaty hair. “Renjun, please don't do this to me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don't even want to see this child anymore. I want to join my children to the heavens now.” Renjun says absentmindedly but it reaches Jaemin's ear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is our child, Renjun and I'm your mate. How can you be like this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun is full. Renjun has been full.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because I fucking hate my life. I only wish to have a child of our love, a child I can carry, a child I can cherish but the goddess always takes my children. I just want to hear them cry and laugh in my arms. You don't know how painful it was to hear your child cry for a second and suddenly goes blue on your chest.” Renjun screams, he points his fingers to Jaemin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin climbs to the throne chair. “You think you're the only one suffering? I was in pain too and in constant pain knowing that my mate is close to rejecting me and is close to killing our child. Your children are my children too, they were my pups. I couldn't even hold them even for a bit because I gave you that chance since you're their mother. I didn't even see Narae even in her funeral because I want to let you have your time alone with her. “</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you blaming me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That's not the point Renjun! I just want you to bounce back and let me enter your life again. I don't want to be in the same bed as you knowing that you despise me.” Jaemin breathes hard. “Fine! You want to blame me? Fine! I killed our daughter. I killed Narae because I chose you. Do you even know how hard it was for me to choose? I considered saving Narae because you wished too but they let me see you that night and how could I choose Narae when I saw you fighting for your life? I'm a bad father and I don't want to be a failure of a husband to you too. So just...please, Renjun. Please..come back to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun turns quiet. He never had the chance to listen to Jaemin ever since Narae died. He closed his ears and mind to anything Jaemin would say. He looks at his husband and he touches the tears falling from his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...I have been suffering too, Renjun. But if we're going to suffer, let's suffer together.” Jaemin finally kneels and scoops Renjun's bare legs. Renjun sobs and hugs the head of his husband close to his bump.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please..Please...” Jaemin whispers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun feels a stroke of pain in his stomach. He screams and grips on Jaemin's shoulders. The king sees blood between his legs and panics. The king yells for help, the guards immediately running to them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The king holds his husband in his arms and runs to their chamber. The physician closely followed them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lays his husband on the bed and he's the one to remove the clothing of his husband.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin is pushed by the physician who gasps at the sight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wha..What's wrong Physician Yoon? Is my child and husband going to fine?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician turns and smiles pitifully to Jaemin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We'll try our best to save them both but if it comes down to only one surviving, you will need to choose, Your Majesty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Two years, Two dead heirs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jaemin looked up and saw Sungchan tapping his feet on the hard ground, combing his long hair. “He'll be fine, right?” He asked to break the growing fear inside him. </p><p>Sungchan shook his head. He was undoubtedly not sure also. “This seems all too familiar for me, Jaemin. This is what happened to Donghyuck three years ago. I was there too.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ready your tissues, my friends. </p><p>this is heavy angst. hEAVY ANGST.</p><p>TW: malnourishment, forced eating, talks of abortion, miscarriage and stillbirth.</p><p>enjoy reading!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Two years ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Before the king passed the crown to his second son and the queen laid on her deathbed, the kingdom first rejoiced with the sudden announcement of the crown prince and his mate of them being pregnant with a pup. The kingdom has witnessed an early rise of the heir to the throne, they were in blissful glory.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rising prince was the happiest, he and his eternal mate had been gifted by the goddess at an early age. He stayed up all night guarding his mate and pup, never winking asleep to watch them all night. He was proud to say that he was going to be a father, a father of a future heir, a father of a future child of their love. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mate was prouder, he had wished for a child ever since he was presented.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun had taken the news to his heart so gladly, he made a feast for the whole town. He cooked most of the food served on the platter so he could give back to the people who prayed for his pregnancy. The town and castle rejoiced almost every day, seeming all the abundance of life and wisdom came in such a huge present.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun was in his third month of pregnancy, catered inside the room of the crown prince’s room in the Lorea Mansion, where they resided after their marriage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince was out for a hunt, he joined to let his people know that he was still their own prince and that he would give them anything they needed. With that, Renjun was left alone inside the big mansion with his attendants waiting for him outside by the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laid weak on his bed. This was the first time it happened ever since the pup formed inside him. He was feeling rather hot than feeling cool, his muscles were strained to its core and his complexion was getting paler than ever before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He casted the attendants away saying he was just in his daily occurring morning sickness. But it was afternoon already and it had been hours since he said that and he was getting worse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun tried to stiffen the cry forming from his throat together as he massaged his budding stomach. The southern omega tamed his own pain by grabbing his left waist and pinched it. He needed to reduce his own pain or else it would bother him and their child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doors of the room opened hastily with the prince’s arrival and Renjun had to submit almost like he breathed air. The alpha prince jolted from the aroma of roses entering his nose and a pang of pleading guilt in his eyes sent Renjun to a small feeling of safety.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince walked towards him with his brown shirt tucked inside his black pants. The prince gathered the courage to lift him and Renjun groaned in pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun hissed when the prince had somehow touched apart from his stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Notify Physician Yoon and send him here,” The prince ordered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The whole room fell tensed as the growing moans of pain and fear decorated it. The guards had blocked their noses so they won’t scent the submitting scent of the ill omega. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun tried to lick the dryness of his lips and with his almost white saliva. He was almost unconscious but he fought it off, not wanting to lull himself to a sleep where he could wake up with just himself and a miscarriage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince kept whispering for him to be awake and wait for the physician and Renjun did so, his eyes were open and his mind was functioning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician arrived with eight of his nurses behind him. The young royal couple should always be tended with care and utmost fragility. The physician calmed the prince and advised him to let go of his trembling mate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And the prince did so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gently laid Renjun’s head on the mountains of pillows on their bed. Renjun gasped and tried reaching for the prince but the physician carefully got a hold of his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jaemin, it hurts...It hurts..” Renjun gasped in despair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be okay, My Lord. You’re in good hands.” The physician said, fixing his gloves and nodding his head to push Jaemin away from the room. The line of guards was also sent away, they didn’t want an anguish of sour scent blurring their senses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun woke up from sleep and before even opening his eyes, he haphazardly touched his stomach. Renjun was frantic, he touched his belly button and pushed gently to feel a heartbeat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jaemin,” Renjun breathed. “Our child, is our child fine?” Renjun asked his sleeping husband.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The man stirred awake. He smiled and nodded his head. “The two of you are fine,” Jaemin assured and hugged his almost panicking husband. Renjun calmed down in his arms and started scenting him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was so scared.” Renjun croaked. He muffled his flooding tears and continued scenting his husband. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The physician advised you to stop worrying over me. I’m fine, my love, I’m an alpha and I promised to take care of you, not the other way around. Listen to your wolf, she needs you and our child needs you.” Jaemin whispered though just woken up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun was stressed. He would often forget that he was bearing a child and that the child was sensitive. The physician had always advised him, everywhere he went, to keep in mind that he was pregnant. But Renjun was a first-timer and it was a new world to him even if he craved for this day to come.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun grew up expected to become an omega, a huge difference from his twin brother who was expected to be alpha. He learned proper etiquette and he was full of knowledge only where he left to learn was conceiving a child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew he had the womb for it but he didn’t know how to take care of it. The child inside his stomach is the heir of the east kingdom and a child of Jaemin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The prince had never disappointed him and he didn’t want to disappoint the prince also. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun gave him an apologetic smile and raised his white dress and showed Jaemin his belly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a routine. Jaemin would raise his clothes up and kiss his stomach and tell stories to their child. Though it’s only been three months and the heir was still a fetus, the prince adored his child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun held onto his clothes tightly as Jaemin kissed his bump. The prince sniffed his stomach while humming a song, clearly forgetting his panics from last night. Jaemin also liked to play with his mate’s underwear, twirling his fingers on the garter while he smoothly talked to his husband.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It became a habit for them both.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin wished to stay longer but he knew better than to let Renjun have his own time with their child. He needed to outgrow the tension from yesterday’s ministrations and Renjun hated being seen even if the one seeing him was his husband.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Jaemin left the bed and soon the mansion, Renjun was left alone with their child. Renjun was trying to not let the pain from yesterday consume him, it was already hard enough for Jaemin, he didn't want to add more. He succumbed to the warm embrace of the fetus inside him and hummed a song that was a little too familiar.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun rolled his dress back to his knees, the three-month-old fetus should not be exposed too much. His pregnancy was already difficult, the pain was common and unbearable and that physician had already told him to be careful. But even so, he had a tiny belief inside his head that their child was fine and would come out healthy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The complications from the pregnancy resulted from the genes he garnered from his mother, who praised and pleaded with the moon goddess just so Renjun can be born. His mother was infertile, if not because of the moon goddess pitying their family, Renjun won't be married to Jaemin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun heard a knock on the door. He responded a small come in and an attendant entered with a cup of chamomile. Renjun hated chamomile, he preferred jasmine, raw jasmine. He snickered but let the attendant hand him the cup. “Chamomile? Is this a herbal supplement?” He asked, smiling like an angel he was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The female attendant must be new, seeing that she was in distress and was fidgety while serving him. “Stop quivering. I'm not a bitch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then finally she smiled. “Physician Yoon has ordered for you to drink warm chamomile as it soothes the pain in your throat and will relieve you from the sore of your body. I heard from court lady Kim that you hate chamomile, I apologize.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun chuckled. “I hate it but my child needs it so it's fine. You can go, tell court lady Kim to prepare my weekend dress.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun sighed and picked up the cup. He drank a small sip and frowned at the sweetness. Chamomile tasted like leaves, fresh leaves but this one tasted like honey was mixed in. Renjun smiled and patted his bump. “They must really love you, my child.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Should you be lurking around the mansion? I told you to rest.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun waved his hand off and sat beside his husband. “Can't we visit you for a while? Our child misses you and your stories.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin, the prince purred and quickly hugged the tiny omega. They were in the dining room, the smell of a loaf of bread continued to flow through the air, and the sweet aroma of the omega's pheromones mixed with the sweet smell of coffee from the prince. “My mother wished to see us,” Jaemin broke the silence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was Renjun's final month. A few days away from the birth of their child. The physician predicted it to be a girl, a princess and Renjun could not wait any longer. “I can't. We can't.” Renjun muttered, tiredness evident from his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin hummed. He laid Renjun's head on his shoulder. “I told her we'll meet once our child  is healthy enough for a trip.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun took a deep, heavy breath. He was weak and was getting weaker each day. He had lost a great amount of weight ever since the pregnancy. It was such a huge backlash from how they expected it to be. They expected him to gain weight, even getting fatter but no, he lost ten kilograms and was even getting worse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need to gain weight, my love. I can't let mother see me like this.” Renjun looked at his bony fingers. His ring from their wedding became loose and he was wearing it as a pendant on his necklace. Jaemin kissed his fingers and held him tight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you will, my love. Once our child sees the world, I will feed you both a lot.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And they were quiet. Again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jaemin,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin hummed as a response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Am I still beautiful?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun detached himself from Jaemin. His face was pale and there were heavy bags decorating it. His once fluffy cheeks became hollow and his lips were chapped. He was not the omega that was introduced to Jaemin a year ago. He looked so different compared to before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were almost bulging and his wrists were almost the size of a fork. He hated himself for looking like a dried rose. He was supposed to be a blooming rose, he smelled like one but he looked wilted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin frowned. “Of course. Why do you even need to ask? You're beautiful to me day and night.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun didn't return the compliment. He just stared at his healthy-looking husband, eyes almost teary and gaze blurring. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Darling..” Jaemin sighed. “Please stop thinking like that. You are beautiful and will always be beautiful. If you ask me a thousand times, I'll still answer the same.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I look hideous.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You're the most beautiful omega I have laid my eyes on and you're carrying our child of love. What more can I wish?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun smiled and snuggled to Jaemin's side. He submitted even if Jaemin was not wishing for him to submit. He expressed his happiness by letting out a fragrant smell of roses in the air. Jaemin sniffed the aroma and kissed him on the lips. “I'll be a mother soon.” Renjun muttered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I'll be a father too. That makes the two of us.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin woke up from the comfort of their bed without Renjun beside him. It was not a full moon, midnight that hugged the shore with coldness and Renjun was not beside him. He groaned in panic and grabbed his robe from the love seat. “Darling? Renjun?” He called out. He scampered around the bedroom, his bare feet touching the cold marble floor. He was frantic, he could never let his mate be alone at this time of night. It was dangerous, not because someone was threatening their lives but because Renjun was a danger to himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tried calling for his mate’s name louder,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>but no one answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hurried to go to the bathroom and maybe find his mate there, probably washing his face but no, he was not there. Not even his shadow was there. Jaemin rubbed his fingers to his eyes, removing the sleepiness from his system. He saw another door just a meter away from where he was standing, maybe Renjun was there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He walked slowly towards the wardrobe of his husband, it was open. It was always locked after Renjun finished doing his routine inside but the knob was turned and there were candles lit inside. Jaemin knew he was there, he entered inside and immediately, a pungent smell of soured roses clouded his nose. Renjun was not feeling well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He directly walked towards the vanity of his husband and saw him there, lying cold with a glass of emptied water in his hands. He was still breathing, fortunately, but he was almost unconscious. As if death was starting to conjure insides. “J-Jaemin..” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin kneeled on his side and tapped his face. He was awake, he knew his surroundings but Jaemin sniffed blood. He let his hand touch the bare thighs of his husband and felt a liquid connect to his fingers. Renjun was bleeding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun stirred with ache. And Jaemin smelled blood, he followed the scent and saw the trail of blood coming out of his husband's thighs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He scooped Renjun out of the trail of blood and ran to their bedroom. His wolf was screaming in agony, drowning in pain from his mate’s unstable breathing. Renjun was supposed to give birth in the full moon, it was not the full moon yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He dropped his husband gently before running outside to get Physician Yoon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin came back with a number of medical assistants behind him and three physicians who seemed to be awakened from their sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened to him?” He asked. He bit his nails, a result of a bad habit that came from panicking. He was in his bloodied robe, the terrified look and smell of almost bitter coffee made it almost uncomfortable inside the chamber. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician opened his husband's clothing and saw a huge clot of blood coming out of his husband's entrance. “It seems that the child is fighting for their life.” The physician carefully started and Jaemin was confused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician moved on his own, not answering Jaemin’s questions instantly. He pulled Renjun’s legs open and tied it on the bedpost. Jaemin was just watching, a pained growl coming out of his mouth as his mate fought to relieve the tormenting soreness inside.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The child is not in a good shape, your grace. We need to take the child out.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin nodded his head. It was a call of a doctoral opinion and Jaemin could not do anything but to agree. “Do what you need to do. Save the lives of my mate and child.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Usher the prince outside.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaemin had never prayed to the goddess. He was a far believer from her, he stood upon the scientific relations rather than the patronization of a goddess that he had yet to meet. But now, he was praying hard to her. He prayed to let his mate and child be adorned with a healthy life. He prayed for the safety of them, he hoped the goddess could hear him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin walked back and forth in the spacious pathway of their bedroom. Guards and even his visiting cousin Sungchan was waiting outside. They were both nervous, anxious at best. Jaemin had never felt so scared to death, hearing his mate's screams and cries made him want to run inside and comfort him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guards were also sharing the same anxiety. They were hearing the loud screams of pain of the future queen while giving birth to the future heir to the throne.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin looked up and saw Sungchan tapping his feet on the hard ground, combing his long hair. “He'll be fine, right?” He asked to break the growing fear inside him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sungchan shook his head. He was undoubtedly not sure also. “This seems all too familiar for me, Jaemin. This is what happened to Donghyuck three years ago. I was there too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin gasped. This is indeed the same scene three years ago. It was like deja vu, he could hear the loud blaring yells of help of his older brother three years ago. He could also hear the painful cries of Minhyung when he saw the dead son in his older brother's arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was the same scenario, the only difference was it was happening to him now and not with his brother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Jaemin believed that Renjun was fine. And that their child was healthy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even if the feeling of sacred fear was overwhelming and overshadowing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This might be different, Sungchan. Renjun will be fine.” He tried to reassure himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sungchan gave him a pitiful smile. “He was bedridden for weeks while 7th month into pregnancy. He lost 10 kilograms and he almost lost your child three times. Renjun is barely holding and so is your child. You should be prepared for the worst, Jaemin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin nodded his head, though he felt like Sungchan was behaving nonsense. It was still a possibility, a huge one compared to the success rate. Sungchan was only telling him the real possible effect and he should not be offended.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he felt like so. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doors from the bedroom opened and Jaemin turned to see the physician. “How's my family?” He asked without even breathing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician took a deep breath. “The child is malnourished, she lost a lot of blood too from an infection.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The only way for your child to survive is for Lord Renjun to transfer his blood to his child.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin felt like thousands of pricks shot him on the head. “You're saying that—“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need to choose, your highness. It's either the princess or your mate.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin was given permission to have a glance of his mate's current state. He was afraid, nervous, and anxious. His mate, according to the physician, was barely holding. He was breathing hard when Jaemin saw him, both of his legs were wide open and though his thighs were cleaned, there was a clot of blood forming at his entrance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin had to hold back his tears upon seeing the almost lifeless body of his husband. He maneuvered near the bed but he couldn't find himself to touch and feel his husband, it felt like burning just by watching him. He looked at the young attendant who wiped the beads of sweat from his husband and the attendant only returned with a knowing look filled with pity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin felt his husband's stretched arm on his hand. Jaemin closed his eyes before regaining his composure to hold on to his husband's hand. Jaemin muttered for the attendant to step back and let him do what she was doing. Jaemin kneeled and kissed the pale fingers of Renjun. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wiped his neck with so much care, his hand was shaking a lot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should save her, s..save the princess..” Renjun whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin looked at him. It was the seventeenth time Renjun wished his thoughts to be heard. Jaemin stopped cleaning him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can't do that.” He disclosed a sob from his mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, my love, yes you can.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need to save you,” Jaemin crumpled on the floor of their chamber with Renjun crying.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jaemin left the room and the only sound heard inside was quiet, held bound cries of his child. Narae, as he named her, was crying with almost the whole entirety of her life. She was crying but it was almost a whisper, too subtle to be considered as a cry of a newborn child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But even so, she was alive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun was now dressed. A new white dress on his body and his feet were no longer tied up to the bedpost. Renjun was leaning on the headboard of their bed, waiting for the physician to give him his child. It was a fulfilling moment, he finally gave birth to the first princess of the East, he finally gifted Jaemin an heir. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician slowly held his baby and guided her to his chest. The baby was crying softly, Narae was such a quiet princess. Renjun cooed and hugged her in his arms, he poked her cheeks though hollowed. Renjun smiled at the physician, but the physician didn't look at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was finally a mother. The days he constantly waited had arrived and it was rather satisfying even though the pain from pushing was almost unbearable. This was the result of his united love with Jaemin. The child was a future princess, a princess he would play dress up with and teach her tea manners.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun was ready for her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Renjun frowned when the baby stopped crying. He opened his eyes and saw his baby turning blue, no more heartbeats. Renjun searched for the eyes of the physician who kneeled in front of him. “What's happening to my child? Why isn't she breathing? Tell me!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No one was answering. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why is my child, Narae, not breathing anymore? Answer me when I asked!” Renjun screamed on top of his lungs. His baby was getting colder and colder in his arms. He clutched onto her tightly, not having in his mind the right purpose to let go of her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“T..The princess was born with an infection that only your blood can help her be revived. We have asked your husband, the future king to decide who will be chosen to survive. He chose you, my Lord.” Physician Yoon answered, Renjun saw his knuckles turning white from how tight he grasped on his clothing..</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My daughter is not dead! How...How can you say that to your future queen? Such a disgrace!” Renjun yelled, there were tears threatening to come out from his eyes. No, it was already flowing and Renjun just let it flow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Renjun gazed at his daughter, she was sleeping almost like an alive child. Her little fingers were curled into a fist, it was not tight. Renjun opened it and let his thumb play with his daughter’s little ones. She was beautiful, as beautiful as everyone expected her to be. She was also pearl white, a skin color she got from his father. The princess was almost perfect, the only hindrance was that she was not breathing anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The princess was turning blue and cold and almost like a stone. Her eyes were closed as if saying that she was ready to go. Renjun could not accept that, she was fine just a minute ago, crying in his arms like a healthy pup she was supposed to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How can this happen?” He asked in a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She was born malnourished, almost a half of what a healthy pup should weigh. There was an infection in her blood, your blood is the only way to get rid of the infection but it would cost you your life, my lord. The prince has decided for you to be the one alive than the princess in your arms.” The other physician said. She was calmer than Physician Yoon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun felt betrayed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was sure that Jaemin had heard his whispers every night. Why would he nod his head if he didn’t hear it? Renjun thought of wanting to be killed rather than to be blessed for another sequence of life. It was unfair. How could he live knowing that his daughter died in his arms and he couldn’t do anything about it because his mate forbade him to?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t say another word. He just embraced the dead princess in his arms. A loud cry erupting the silent and icy night of the Lorea mansion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the funeral. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A sorrowful event Renjun wished to skip. They were in the palace. They were supposed to move in after the birth of the princess. A room was even prepared for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun turned weaker, refusing to eat the meals the prince had sent for him. He was fuming in anger, drowning in guilt, and feeling betrayed. There were no words to explain what kind of pain he was going through, not even Jaemin could explain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were not talking. It’s been a week since the birth and death of the princess but it felt like a minute had only passed, the agony of her death felt raw. Renjun could not look at his husband without thinking that he forgo the only chance they had to have an heiress. Renjun knew it would be hard for him to conceive again, after all he took the genes of his infertile mother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They tried so hard for the princess to be conceived, Renjun knew it was his fate to not be able to present a child as often as he wanted to. His mother pleaded a peaceful goddess in the woods just so she could conceive, and maybe the goddess wanted his mother’s karma to be on him. The goddess took his daughter, letting her life inside his womb for nine moons and killing her almost as soon as Renjun heard her cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun blamed Jaemin for all, he could have been the payment for what his mother had done 21 years ago but no, Jaemin chose for him to live and for their princess to be buried at the palace garden. He loathed Jaemin.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The prince only watched him from afar. He followed every movement of Renjun wherever Renjun would land his feet on. This time Renjun was in their daughter’s room. He plucked roses earlier and had put it in a vase at the center of the room. Narae smelled like Renjun according to the attendant he asked the night the princess died. He could only ask, he couldn’t see the princess that night as she was embraced by his husband until the next day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She probably smelled like flowers because Renjun carried her for months. The attendant also said that she resembled a lot like Renjun, from her small strands of black hair to her eyes. Jaemin wished he saw her, he wished he had glanced at her even just for a second. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were many wishes inside his head, wishes that could only be heard by him. He was desperate but not desperate enough to let his emotion show to Renjun. He was also broken, torn to pieces, and was shattered like glass but he could not show it, not when Renjun was slowly dying from dehydration and malnourishment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin blamed himself, he knew Renjun also did. It was to no end to say that he was selfish, selfish as he combed the hair of his mate that night, selfish as he told the physician to close Renjun up, selfish as to commanded to let the princess be dead. He killed his daughter, a night that was supposed to be a celebration of life turned to become a night of nightmares for the both of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin loved his daughter, he loved her just as much as how he loved his mate but without Renjun, how could he raise their daughter? He could not fathom the idea of his daughter asking where her mother is everyday until death takes her in. It was a harmful decision, he lost not only his daughter now, but also his loving husband who seemed to be taken by the heavens.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His soul was as if not on earth anymore, Renjun was breathing and walking but inside he was just an empty can. Renjun was here with him, he could still the bitemarks he left from their mating but it felt like Renjun was rejecting him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun was wearing the dress, the dress he was supposed to wear for the welcoming of the princess to the whole kingdom. He was supposed to wear it there, not in a funeral where everybody was wearing full white and their hairs adorned with a white ribbon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My love,” He called. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun turned around, his eyes were bloody red. Not from anger but from crying. There were no more tears,  but he was sobbing. Jaemin had to hold a growl when he realized that his mate had cried all his tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you inside the room of the daughter you killed?” Renjun asked. There was no emotion, just pure words that felt like needles on Jaemin’s skin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t do this to me, Renjun. I loved her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really? How so?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun smelled nothing. There was no scent coming out of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I..I can’t let you die. I love you too much to let you go.” Jaemin whispered, his knees wobbling and soon was kneeling on the ground.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Princes were not supposed to kneel. It was a disgrace but Jaemin cared less, he hugged his mate’s thin, pale legs.He kissed the thighs of his husband, it felt cold.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun grabbed his hair and pulled it. Jaemin winced but stayed still, he could take it. The pain he was feeling was nothing compared to the pain his husband was going through. It was nothing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pull more if you need to, you can hurt me all you want.” Jaemin said, not showing the burning ache of his scalp.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun let go and kneeled to match his husband’s figure. He cupped Jaemin’s face and wiped the tears from his cheeks. “I just want to have a family with you..” Renjun formed the words slowly, slowly because he felt disappointed. “Why did she leave us too soon? We were ready for her.” Renjun put his head on Jaemin’s chest, clutching on the white dress shirt he was wearing. It was getting crumpled and Renjun’s knuckles were becoming white. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin clasped his body to Renjun. He let his mate cry on his chest even if tears were not coming out anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The remorse of abandonment was felt all throughout the Lorea mansion. Yes, Renjun was still grieving, even if three months had passed. Renjun would still go to the nursery room each night, with a blanket in his arms. He was quiet most of the time, he would sometimes bring books and read it inside the nursery. He would let one of the attendants with him inside, sharing stories of how he would take care of his dead daughter. The attendant always listened, she was a mother too, anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was nearing their mating anniversary, so as Renjun’s heat. It was not superficial information that should be kept inside with quiet hushes, it should be announced that the future queen of the east was nearing his heat and that the future king should practice his stamina as three days filled with love making was sure to make them strain and tired.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Though it was nearing, and the omega was giving out symptoms of pre-heat, no one had the courage to let him know that building a nest should be done now. Renjun was not leaving their chamber and the nursery, it was just two doors away from each other and that were the only places Renjun stayed at.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin, who used to go out when the sun rises, became homebounded. It was his choice after all, it was not like someone forced him to. Jaemin would always be the one to carry their food towards the nursery, they share a meal inside without any voices coming out of their throats.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin was walking into thin ice. A week before mating anniversary was a sensitive week. Renjun’s scent was getting stronger every time he eats, fueling the aroma of sweet roses inside the room. The attendants had told Jaemin to be the one to inform his mate about the nesting, though it was like a ball of fire, dipping in a sea, Jaemin nodded his head yes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were inside the nursery, Renjun gained some weight, luckily. Jaemin would think that his husband was forcing himself to eat, it deemed so. Renjun was eating a whole lot more than what he usually eats. He was gnawing meat, he never liked meat. He was a huge fan of mixed vegetables. Even in one afternoon, when they shared a meal, Jaemin only got to eat three bites before Renjun snatched his plate from him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin had to command food for three just so Renjun and him could eat properly. Renjun was back in his shape, rosy cheeks and a stomach that had added another layer of thickness. Jaemin should be happy, now that Renjun was eating more, they would be fine on their mating anniversary, right?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin didn’t want to lean on that possibility.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t have your clothes put into the laundry, right?” Jaemin paused, his meat left soggy inside his mouth as he glanced up towards his mate who was wiping his mouth with a clean towel. He swallowed the meat forcefully and coughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun frowned. “You didn’t, right? I have to build a nest for us.” Renjun huffed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun looked normal. He was talking normal. His normal antics were back but Jaemin knew better. Renjun was just being a hypocrite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin wiped his mouth this time. “I didn’t. It’s all yours.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun chuckled. “Did you leave many?” Renjun stood up from the chair and sat on Jaemin’s lap. Another symptom of his heat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did. I changed three times each day.” Jaemin smiled. He hugged the waist of his husband and drew circles on his back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re not late, are we?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin shook his head. “We’re just perfect. You can take your time, love.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun sighed and played with Jaemin’s unstyled hair. “Let’s have another child.” Renjun said out of nowhere. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want a son this time, can you give me that?” Renjun stared at his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right. It was another symptom of Renjun’s heat; a mother’s instinct.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was finally crowned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Na Jaemin, king of the east. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin was inside the moment for a second, as if he was inside a bubble of triumph. Jaemin was crowned after his father had proclaimed that he was indeed getting iller as the days passed by. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And by Jaemin being king, they had to settle inside the palace. Of course, it was not a topic that should  have an argument since the palace followed traditional etiquette but it felt out of place. The palace looked happy, as if there was no sick queen on her deathbed and an ill king that just moved out of his throne. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was unsettling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And with that, Jaemin felt even empty. He should be celebrating, his mate was pregnant again and he was finally king. But he couldn’t bring himself to celebrate and raise his glass because somewhere at this second of triumph, there would be another moment filled with tears and sorrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He feared that every laughter they inhale, a wave of tears would pull them out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was traumatizing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you supposed to be greeting your people, my love?” Jaemin turned around and was greeted with his mate, wearing a red dress and a crown of roses on top of his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin scoffed and fixed the crown of roses. Renjun giggled and moved away. “Stop. It’s getting messier.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun fixed the crown himself. And they were quiet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For Jaemin, quiet was both tranquilizing and agonizing. It could mean that Renjun was overthinking again or that he was thinking of their dead daughter again. Anything was possible inside the fragile mind of Renjun, he did it once already, it could happen again and Jaemin can’t have that. He wanted his mate to be alive and to be able to see the sun rises he liked so much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Jaemin was also aware that he, himself, was overthinking too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It should be simple, in any way possible, it should be simple. Renjun spending time with him should be simple, just two married mates smiling in peace. But Jaemin felt something was off, as if there was wicked air that tormented his mind. Jaemin could look at Renjun and say that he was satisfied and amused but he could also be lying to his mate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was an entirely different atmosphere. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun was waiting for him to utter his words, probably would wait until later. He wanted their moments of being alone together to be like the old, fresh days of their marriage but Jaemin had already given up that thought. Their moments of being alone together were most of the time filled with snarls and top up remarks of Renjun towards his neglect. Of course, it was as offensive as being degraded by strangers, but Jaemin had to hold back. They lost their daughter because of him, after all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin sighed. He covered his mouth and feigned it with a yawn as his mate gazed upon him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m tired, Jaemin.” Renjun broke the silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin removed the cover from his mouth and turned sideways to perfectly see where Renjun was going to. Renjun was in his second month of pregnancy, just like before, he was thin again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of what?” Jaemin asked, though perplexed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a deafening pause.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t what’s happening to me familiar to you? I’m becoming thin again even though I eat the same amount you feed me everyday. I could be dying right now, the child inside me could be a monster so as our first child. Why does it always have to be like this? I was perfectly fine, we  even got to spend my heat but after the dawn of me carrying another heir, I became a skeleton.” Renjun whispered the last part. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin was stunned. Renju never minded weight gain or weight loss before, saying it was natural for omegas to gain or lose easily. But now, Renjun was fidgeting, almost in distraught. Was it trauma from the first pregnancy? He lost weight so much, he was considered malnourished for his age. And being in his prime and then called malnourished was an insult to them, especially he was a part of a rich upfront family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin hugged him and asked the most excruciating question he never thought he would ask his husband. “Do you want us to get an abortion? I can do anything for you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun went as stiff as a stone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin felt Renjun detached himself from his embrace and looked at him as if he was horrified. “You want to kill your child...again?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin shook his head, Renjun didn’t get it. “The child inside may not be healthy just like you. I can’t let you suffer and turned a blind eye for another 9 months. I hear you puking every night, you ask why you’re losing weight again? It’s because you are not digesting any of the food I feed you, you threw it all up each night.” Jaemin timidly explained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You knew?” Renjun backed away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin defeatedly nodded his head. “So if you think that this child is a monster inside you, we can take the monster out. We’ll end your suffering and we can try again. We will always try, I will give you the pups you want. But be healthy first, this is my only wish, my love.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun didn’t get an abortion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why for? When the child died after four months, anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He woke up, feeling light as a feather and fresh as a daisy. It was not sunrise yet, it was still dawn, the full moon coloring the sky. Renjun tried reaching up for his husband’s warmth but he was not there. The right side of the bed was a mess but it was empty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at his left side and saw all nurses and the same physician standing before him. “Why are you here? Where’s my husband?” He asked, using his elbow to push himself up for a sitting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician looked perilous. He was holding a cloth in his hands, some trickles of blood coming out. “What’s in your hands?” Renjun asked, lifting his own right hand for the physician to hand it over to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician hesitated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Physician Yoon, I am tired and I don’t want to be in an argument with you. Show me the cloth and leave my husband’s and I’s chamber.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The physician walked briskly and handed him the cloth. It smelled like roses. Renjun opened it and saw a fetus inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It smelled like him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was his child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He snapped his head towards the physician. “I didn’t say I wanted an abortion, Jaemin knew that.” He glared. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were not put into a forceful abortion, our prince. The baby didn’t have any heartbeat, we had to take him out or else it will kill you too.” Physician Yoon was again on his knees as the other physician explained to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Again? My child died again?” He whispered. He glanced up and saw Jaemin by the door. Jaemin had signaled everyone to leave the room, Renjun was somehow thankful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember when you said I should get an abortion?” Renjun started. “I thought it was ridiculous. How can my own husband think of getting rid of our child? But looking at our child now, he looks peaceful.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He. He thought it was a boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I..I could not save him, Jaemin. I wish I could pump a heartbeat and give him the life he deserves.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin removed his robe and walked closer towards his husband. The cold wind was not a problem to them right now, his husband was shivering but he was not even minding it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t come any closer. Leave me be for tonight. I want to sleep with him one last time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Jaemin agreed. Automatically. It was like before, Renjun didn’t want him any closer too and slept with their daughter until daylight. He could work with this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaemin left the room and once he closed the door, Renjun’s wailing cries clouded his mind and tears started streaming down his cheeks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was in pain too but it’s okay. Renjun was in more pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could work with this. </span>
</p><p><br/>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm so sorry for this. i know i'm a terrible person for killing two cute babies but this is just a story! </p><p>thank you for reading and don't be a silent reader! leave your thoughts on the comments and leave a kudos if you liked it.</p><p>see you on the last chapter!! </p><p>xoxo</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i know, renjun is blaming himself then suddenly <br/>renjun is blaming renjun????? it will be revealed soon </p><p>was that a roller coaster of mixed emotions???</p><p>lmao you reached the end of first chapter which means come back next year for the second chapter,,,</p><p>jk i'll be writing the second chapter quickly after this.</p><p>as usual, please leave a kudos if you liked it and leave a comment for your thoughts!</p><p>lovelots xoxo</p></blockquote></div></div>
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